This weekend I grasped a simple and striking reality when He talked to me.  I was doing something I often wish I could do, but is most generally impossible to do in this stage of life.  I was lying in the middle of a dandelion-covered field, on a sheet, in the sunshine.  Alone.  It was warm, and the vitamin D felt like it was pumping through my body as strongly as any intravenous solution might.  I felt as if the world was so huge, and I was so small… yet, I could imagine God looking down at the world, then zooming in right to me, just like those satellites do in the movies.  Quickly, I went from being an impossibly small obscurity in a big world, to an actual specific person.  He saw me lying on my stomach, in that field, jotting down my insecurities on a piece of notebook paper.

I went out there to pray, but couldn’t find the words.  I was so wrapped up in comparisons, insecurities, and wonderings about who I am and why.  I wrote them down, then flipped over onto my back and just waited.  I had to hear from Him.  Like the Jacob of Genesis, I told the Lord I would not let Him go or leave that spot, until He blessed me and spoke to me.  The sun warmed my skin and the voices from my paper kept intruding.  Then all of a sudden, His strong voice broke through and overpowered it all.

It was so clear.  He said, Amy, I love you for all those things.  Startled, I brought up another doubt and He said, I love that about you!  I would say yet another thing I find uncomfortable or awkward about myself and He would clearly cover over the negative with the healing words: I love that you are just that way.  You are absolutely a perfect you.  Exactly what I fashioned, exactly how I wanted you to turn out.  I love you, I love you, I love you.

The peace that passes understanding took up firm guard around my heart and mind during those moments.  As the tears flowed and the sun shone, His words burned deep impressions into my soul.   He doesn’t love us in spite of our quirks or what we tend to call mistakes in our makeups… He loves us for all those specific things.  He loves everything about you.  The color of your hair.  The formation of your jaw.  The size of your feet.  The length of your eyelashes.  The width of your hips.  The tone of your skin.  The way you laugh.  The special way you tilt your head or twist your fingers together.  Your sense of humor.  Your ability or inability to sing.  The amazing way you have with children.  Where you were born.  Who you look like.  What your style is.  When you like to go to bed.  Why your nose is the way it is.  He loves how your emotions work.  He loves how you think and what makes you tick.  He loves your smile, your taste, your mind.  He loves how you can cook.  He loves your organizational skills or lack thereof.  He loves your sanguine, your choleric, your melancholy, or your phlegmatic personality.  He loves your creativity.  Your love of colors.  Your love of black and white.  Your need of space.  Your need of community.  Your punctuality.  Your lateness.  Your eyes, your hands, your ears, your heart.  He loves you.

The only thing I can think of that He doesn’t love, is our sin.  Yes, even though He hates sin, He loves you and me, the sinner.  So often when we mess up, we beat ourselves up and forget His love which forgives.  We may feel like our face is the last thing He wants to see or think about.  Sometimes our sin is believing the lie which says we are just messed up works of clay.  Not just cracked, but severely unusable and unable to be loved.  Yet, that crack down your side is exactly where He placed it, and He loves you for it.  So if your heart is beaten and bruised by lies and insecurities, know the truth: the God who made you, loves you.  He is waiting for you to lie down in green pastures, perhaps even filled with dandelions, so He can restore your soul.


4 thoughts on “Epiphany

  1. THANK YOU! When you shared at the retreat it was exactly what I needed to hear!

  2. Love love love this!!! I love your ability to open your heart wide open for all of us and bring us to tears so much of the time. You are soo dear!!

  3. Joy, is what you are. As soon as you shared at the retreat it was like a ton of bricks off my shoulders… realizing I live and obsess in these insecuritys because Im always so sure that God is shaking his head at me for them…. this is beautiful and freeing Amy. God is so good.

  4. Amy believe me or not but this was exactly the message that Pastor Ed preached to us Sunday morn- coincidence -no I believe divine intervention-he wants us all to hear him and listen to the lessons that as the greatest Teacher of all can teach us- all we need to do is open our hearts and listen and then use what he has taught us!!! God Is So Great! AMEN

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